Intervention

I guess after 15 years I need to come to terms with it...

I am a stoner.

Wait--that didn't sound right--not the kind of stoner with low earning potential and a mailing address linked to a fold-out couch in their parents' basement...

I'll try again--I am a person who forms stones. I have silly, screwed up biochemistry that uses calcium to form rocks instead of putting it into my bones where I'll need it when I'm 80. And they're not even pretty stones, like the sparkly ones that can be measured with the 4 C's and used to fund my children's college education. Apparently, my kidneys spend an extraordinary amount of time and effort to create horrible, ugly little brown pieces of gravel, and then, after all of that hard work, my body doesn't even want the stupid little things.

The violence with which the body tries to expel objects that it doesn't want is truly remarkable--so remarkable in fact, that I recently ended up in the ER for the first time with an IV full of Dilaudid & Phenergan after 4 hours of writhing and vomiting. Apparently, I can deliver 7+ lb children without a problem (and in less time) but a 7mm rock is beyond my capabilities.

Sadly, I am a victim of my own addiction. After my first stone in college, (where I seriously thought someone had snuck into my dorm room at 3am and stabbed me in the back) I was warned to avoid chocolate, nuts, and tea, all of which contain high levels of oxalate that combines with my already high levels of calcium to form stones. But honestly, does anyone think a female college student is going to stop eating chocolate? (Or a med student? Or a physician? Or a stay-at-home-mom?)

I had a daily chocolate habit. Even better if the chocolate was surrounding almonds or pecans. I scoffed at people who would order some cake and then eat two bites and proclaim, "but it's so rich..." It's chocolate people! It's supposed to be rich! And smooth, and sweet, and wonderful. And eaten in it's entirety.

~sigh~

Because I've been averaging a stone every 6-12 months, and 4am trips to the ER really mess up my family's schedule, I've decided the mature thing to do is to rededicate myself to my "low-oxalate", chocolate-free diet. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna whine about it.